When God Doesn’t Show Up

I fasted, read my Bible, prayed, I even cried, and God did not sweep in and rescue me. This can’t be happening, God would NOT do this to me. I’m His daughter, a joint-heir with Christ, and all that other good stuff. He promised to supply all my need. If I speak to the mountain and believe when I pray I’ll have what I say. I even cast out some demons and evil spirits and my mountain remained. “What happened God?”

I felt broken, battle weary. I was baffled as to why God chose not to show up and rescue me from my mirey pit. In the midst of my brokeness I reached out for Him even more. Although I was disappointed and bewildered I knew that I could not move forward without Him. He is my anchor, my hope, my foundation. If He’s not there, I will crumble and fall.

I talked to Him in my brokeness. Let me rephrase that. I didn’t really talk, I groaned. Groaning was all that I could do, that’s how broken and weary I was, but I didn’t care. I needed to be in His presence. He knows my heart anyway, so I groaned and said “Jesus, Jesus” for a while, a long while. After a while I turned on some worship music and just sat there. Progress. Then I started praying in tongues. Then I stared and sighed. Then I got up and let Him know that I’m never letting go of Him.

So, what happened? Well, somewhere between my groanings and everything else, I knew why God didn’t show up. You see, He did show up, He never even left (Hebrews 12:1). He just did not show up the way that I was expecting Him to. Why? He gave me somethings to do and I did not do them. That’s it, pretty simple. I disobeyed God. OUCH!

I was speaking with a friend and she used an analogy of a parent and child. The child wants the parent to do something for them, the parent says “sure”, after you do the dishes. The child keeps pleading, the parent repeats the condition. As long as the child does not do the dishes, the parent will not do what they promised. I want to take that even further. Instead of doing the dishes, the child cleans their room, washes the windows, even mows the grass. These are all great things but they’re not what the parent asked. This is like what I was doing I did everything except what God asked me to do.

So, while I was broken and battle weary I learned the importance of obedience. Even if His instructions seem to have no connection to my need, my response is to obey. He knows best, His plan for my life is good, He loves me. I show my love for Him when I obey Him. So, I choose obedience, how about you?

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Have you ever been disappointed with yourself? I have. I was living a life that was not in alignment with who I was deep inside. I was victorious, “winning” at life on the inside, but on the outside I was failing, on the precipice of losing just about everything. How did I get there?

One thing was certain. I didn’t get to that place in my life overnight. No, that destination was years in the making. Little decisions made here, big ones made there, not following God’s lead, not asking for His direction.

As things started falling apart I began recognizing my role in it all. Because I could see my folly, I felt that I deserved everything that was happening to me. The life I was living was one that I created. I made my bed, I had to lay in it. End of story.

Well, I grew tired of laying in that bed and needed to do something about it. It was time to “earn” my way out of it. Yes, earn. I needed to work harder to turn things around. I needed to prove myself and boy did I have a lot to prove. At  least that’s what I thought.

I immediately got to work trying to prove myself worthy of something different in my life. Things would start to change and then they would fall apart. I would be on the brink and everything would come tumbling down. Why was this happening? During this time God gave me some instructions, the direction to go, He told me to trust Him. I didn’t do what He said but I thought I was trusting Him.

One day, I had an “aha” moment. I was reading a paranormal romance book called Dark Lover by JR Ward (it’s amazing where you can find what you need to move forward). The family of one of the main characters in the book was underseige. To protect him, his father locked him in a safe space. He survived. His parents died. He could not forgive himself for not breaking out of the safe place and fighting with his parents. He suffered for centuries (did I mention he was a vampire) with self-worth issues. Wrath was born with a vision impairment. After his parents’ death and as he aged he started going blind and eventually lost his sight. In a dream I had an epiphany, if Wrath could forgive himself for not being able to fight with his parents the night of their murder, he would get his sight back. I don’t know if that’s part of the author’s story line or not, but it’s the revelation that I had. You’ll see where I’m going with this in a minute.

That same day, I was listening to a success author/coach, Lisa Nichols, speak about her journey and how in order to create the life that she wanted she had to learn to forgive herself. There it was again. I realized that I needed to forgive myself.

I was worthy because I was, because I exist. That life I wanted was mine because of God’s grace and mercy but I would not allow myself to receive it. I believed that I had to earn it, I had to do some things to make myself worthy of it. If I were ever going to extricate myself from the web that I was weaving I was going to have to forgive myself.

I immediately thought of the things that I was disappointed with and said out loud that I forgive myself. I forgave myself for everything that I knew I was holding against myself. A breath of fresh air literally washed over me. I forgave myself. I was enough. I am enough. My experiences led me to here and fueled my passion to help others.

Do you need to forgive yourself so that you can usher in the life that you really want for yourself? Look in the mirror and say out loud “I forgive you” and forgive yourself of it all and welcome your new life.

Be blessed.

I have a gift for you.  You can download it here: A Gift For You

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